About loss and how you deal with it

Hey dreamers!

Today is going to be a touchy subject for me – my grandparents. I really want to be honest, sincere and trustworthy which I only feel like I can be when I have posted this:

Here we go: 

It all began, when i was 4. I was sleeping in my room, and out of nowhere i could hear somebody slamming our front-door. I woke up, because my dad touched my cheek. He said that mom just left, because my grandmother was sick. I can still remember the feeling in my heart. Emptiness and grieve. I knew at this point, that i was going to lose her. And i was right. A week exactly. She passed away a week after she was admitted to the hospital. She died of heart failure cancer/tumor (i do not know the exact reason). I lost the woman i trusted more than everything. She was my hero, and i  lost her. 


2 years later, my grandfather was “next”. It took one night for God, to take him away. He died of a heart attack. He was the most amazing guy, i have ever met. He was the ultimate handyman, and the most kindhearted person i have ever met. He was always busy, working on some new projects but whenever i was around, he had time for me. Only me. I remember one day, i came over because my mom and dad had some errands to do. I was craving a toast (with cheese and ham of cause) and i told him. He ended up making 20 toast just for me. He had the biggest grin on his face! God i loved that smile!

2 years later (it is crazy, but true) i lost my uncle. He died from heart failure, caused by alcohol. He was the most fun and always-smiling type of guy. He loved a good beer, (or 20 for that matter) but he never did any bad alcohol related things. He taught me about being different, since he was gay, but he was open about it, and most of all; Proud! That is what i loved about him! I been mad about him for years, that he took his own life, by drinking himself to death…. And at some point I think i always will be… He had so much MORE to live for… 

And yet again….2 f*cking years later…My great-grandmother passed away. But thankfully, it was caused by age. Nothing bad. She was bad-ass. She always had time for a joke, and they were always sooo funny because she was German, but spoke danish so her pronunciation was hella funny! She was so cool!

Since i was 4, i have grieved. I have lost some people, that i never thought could pass away! (of cause everybody passed away at some point). I have had billions of nightmares , and i sometimes still get them. When i was younger, i used to wake up in the middle of the night just to check on my parents. I lived in a fear, that  every time they  would say goodnight to me, it would be the last time i ever saw them. I sometimes still get flashes in my sleep about losing them, but i can control those dreams.
 
I still miss them a lot! Not a day goes by where i do not think about them. They will always be close to me, but it is not something I am ready to talk about openly. Unless it is in writing. Im still working through the pain, and loss but i hope that i one day, will wake up feeling happy for having known them. I do, but there is still a huge gap in my heart…. Will it ever go away? I still think about, how i will process losing my parents. (Of cause that is first in 100 years or more!!!!). I cannot lose somebody that close to me again! My body, brain and most of all; my heart cannot take one more loss….

20140221-231908.jpg

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s